


our smiles in summer

by keriito



Category: Vocaloid
Genre: Agender Character, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Gen, Mental Health Issues, Nonbinary Character, Other, Trans Female Character, chosen family
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-30
Updated: 2015-08-31
Packaged: 2018-04-18 01:33:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4687391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keriito/pseuds/keriito
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Watching her, something in my chest feels strange… I’m not used to this feeling of comfort, of such unbounded friendliness… When was the last time I felt so accepted, so safe?<br/>I take a deep breath, gently, and exhale.</p><p>(in which Len stumbles upon an old café on the brink of bankruptcy, finds a group of people he will eventually come to trust and love, and consequently, meets the one person who will become his most precious friend.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. upon happenstance

**Author's Note:**

> this is actually me picking up+revamping an old fanfic i had started writing about 4 years ago and never continued... i've been wanting to write a vocafic for a while, so here it is! LETS DO THIS

I’ve never been good at making friends.

In all honesty, I can’t recall the last time I actually made one. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been just been on my own; even if I was lonely, I never noticed. Maybe I wasn’t even bothered by it, growing up. But those sorts of things change when you’re in high school— when you look around and see everyone off in their own groups, laughing and having a great time, and then you’re standing there by yourself, isolated from the rest of the world… It really begins to dawn on you.

At some point, I started looking at other people, and without even knowing them, without even sharing a single exchange, I would decide whether or not I could befriend that person. I don’t really know how, but in the back of my mind, I knew I was different. I knew I would not be able to get along with that person. …Well, maybe that’s not quite the best way to put it. More like, maybe I’d feel uncomfortable, or maybe they wouldn’t understand me, or maybe they would think I’m strange. Things like that.

Either way, I knew I was different.

And I was scared.

* * *

I don’t really...like school.

The atmosphere and environment are always suffocating, strangling me with a fear I can only feel in the pit of my stomach… And lunch is always the worst.

“Did you hear what happened?”

“Of course I did. Look at this post I saw…”

“I can’t believe it!”

Laughter fills my head, even though it’s on the far end of the room. Sitting at my desk with just my own company, I eat my bento silently. Since moving to this town, I have to take care of myself. As a result, I’ve taught myself how to cook, do laundry, clean, and other basic chores. That being said, I make all my lunches myself, just like this one.

“Yeah, but check _this_ out—”

“Oh my _god_!”

The voices get louder and louder with each passing minute, and I grip my chopsticks tightly, beginning to feel anxious. There are people everywhere in this room, and I can’t rid myself of the clear observation that I’m by myself, thus making me stand out. What if people look my way, what if they feel the need to talk to me? What if I’m being whispered about, and I have no idea? What do I do?

Suddenly, my food doesn’t taste so good anymore. I place my chopsticks down, make a fist weakly with my other hand. The chatter grows and grows, the cicadas won’t stop chirping, I feel as if I’m shrinking smaller and smaller, and I’m all alone. I can’t stay here much longer; I feel like I’m suffocating, like I’m dying. I need to get away. I need to leave.

_(i need to escape)_

With only that thought on my mind, I feign calmness and put my bento back in my bag. I stand up with a soft clatter and spin on my heels, heading for the door. Once I’m out of the classroom, I lightly jog down the hallway, my head down, dodging other students from just seeing their shoes as soon as they enter my line of sight. I fly down the steps, apologize to someone I nearly run into and immediately feel like an idiot, then exit through the nearest door, my heart racing.

I’m at the back of the school.

I look around, trying to catch my breath. I come to this area a lot, if only to get away from people, but I haven’t actually explored it that much. There isn’t a lot more than the dirt ground, some fences, and a forest across from the door. What’s beyond the forest, I have no idea. Probably leads to town or something; that would be my guess. I find stray cats wandering in and out of here, so it’s not far from civilization, that’s for sure.

A bead of sweat runs down my neck, and I look down, taking deep, shaky breaths. _You’re okay, Len_ , I tell myself. _It’s okay now._

After I’ve regained my composure, I glance over at the door from where I came from; a couple students can be seen passing through and going upstairs, but no one pays me any mind. I turn towards the forest. It’s not thick, but I’m sure I could get lost if I really tried…

Slowly, I take a few steps forwards, and then break into a run, heading for the forest.

It’s even more humid beneath the trees, as if the air was trapped with no escape. I have to push through branches that get in my way and hop over tree roots, dodging spiky bushes and wild plants with summer berries blooming on them. My school bag bounces at my side as I run deeper, trying to find anything, or maybe nothing at all. At the very least, I want to be as far away as possible from school, from those people with the criticizing stares and empty glances…

After pushing past a particularly thick branch, I enter a clearing. I slow down, panting, and look around. Trees rustle around me, cicadas and birds chirping to their own rhythms. The summer heat is beginning to get to me, so I wipe my forehead with the back of my hand, and look around, out of breath.

At first glance, it appears to be an abandoned parking lot. Broken concrete everywhere with wildlife peeking out from between the cracks. Flowers are in bloom where there should be paint marking parking spaces, and tables made for people are inhabited by wandering butterflies and bees instead. The forest encircles the entire area, except for several yards in front of me, where a single two-story building stands.

I begin to get the feeling that no one has seen this place before, not in many years. Despite that, the building across from me stands firmly, looks relatively new, and seems generally cared for. And yet, not a single person was to be seen.

Finally, I let out a long breath I had no idea I was holding. _I should be safe here_ , I think tiredly.

I take a few steps forwards, gravel crunching beneath my shoes. For the most part, it’s peaceful. There are no voices to be heard, only birds and insects crying out in the mid-afternoon of summer. In a way, it’s the most relaxing place I’ve ever been to in my life.

Curiosity gets the best of me, and I can’t help but look around a bit more. I walk past the wooden picnic tables, all the way to the building. It’s painted white, with large glass windows at the front. To the left of the door sits a blackboard with phrases like “HUGE SALE!” and “get them while they’re fresh!” written all over the front in different colored chalk. In the corners, there are some doodles to accompany the writing.

“It’s a café?” I whisper aloud to myself, and then look up. The building is definitely two stories. At night, I’m sure the deserted feel to it would spook me a bit, but during the day, it just looks harmless. Friendly, welcoming, warm.

Silently, I drop my head back to eye-level and peer in through the glass windows—and for the most part, it’s empty, as I expected.

 _For the most part_ , that is.

Once I manage to focus my gaze past the sunlight reflecting off the windows, I finally notice human-shaped figures inside, _moving_ human-shaped figures. That’s when it hits me that this place is _not abandoned_.

A sudden chill overcomes me, my hands going cold. It’s fear.

My first instinct is to turn and run, but instead I am frozen to my spot, right next to the blackboard sign. While blinking like a deer in headlights, I’m able to make out five figures— one with long teal pigtails, one with short blonde hair, another with long pink hair, someone else with short brown hair, and lastly, someone with short blue hair. That’s all I am able to register before I hear a bell jingling, which is undeniably the door opening, and a loud voice that follows.

“Hey, kid, are you gonna’ come in and buy some grub or just stand there doing nothing?”

I would have turned and _ran_ , if it weren’t for the fact that I was too shocked to even do that.

“U-Uh, I’m- I’m sorry!” I stutter in a hurried voice, looking down. “I was just looking around and I—”

“Meiko! When’re ya’ gonna’ stop yellin’ at everyone who comes by?” Comes a second voice, also loud, but a lot younger than the first. “Ya' wonder why we don’t get any customers…”

Slowly, I look up from my bent position and see the short brown-haired and blonde person at the door. They’re wearing their uniforms— simply an apron thrown over something casual. It is summer, after all.

The brunette, supposedly Meiko, turns to the blonde and frowns in an exaggerated manner.

“Now listen here, you…”

The two of them start giving each other noogies, the blonde shrieking and swatting at Meiko. Unsure of what to do, I stand there, looking at the pair to the inside of the café. At that moment, the teal-haired person runs out, concerned.

“Hey now, you two, let’s not fight in front of customers, okay?” They smile apologetically at me, hands folded. “Hi, sorry about them. Meiko and Rin really like to pick fights with each other.”

I stare at the teal-haired person, then glance over at Meiko and Rin literally climbing all over each other and yelling loudly. I look back to the tealette.

“ _Um_ ,” Is all I manage to get out, before a hand extends its way in front of me, and I look up.

“I’m Miku! Are you here to buy something?” Their face goes serious. “Please tell me you are.”

“Ah… Sure?” I laugh nervously, scratching the back of my head. “I kind of just wandered in here…”

“Well, come on in! It’s a lot cooler, that’s for sure. You guys as well.” Miku calls to Meiko and Rin, who immediately stop their fighting, and jog in after us.

“She started it fir~st...” Rin calls out in a nonchalant tone, and Meiko grumbles.

“Oh, _please_...”

“Come on, you guys.” Miku gives them a pointed look, and they both sigh heavily. Rin shrugs and then strides further into the café.

“Man, we haven’t seen anyone over here in ages!” She stretches with a huge smile, and then the blue-haired person at the counter perks up.

“A customer?!”

“Yes!” Miku sings happily, and leads me to a table.

“Here, take a seat." She offers, and I sit down, feeling a bit rushed and flustered. I guess I won't be getting out of here anytime soon... "Like I said, I’m Miku, and I’ll be your waitress for today.”

Then the blonde spins over, grinning. “And I’m Rin!”

“She works the counter,” Miku explains to me, and Rin salutes.

“Yeah, that’s Rin.” Meiko breezes past, frowning. “She’s a real pain in the ass ‘cause she never stops talking to the customers and likes to make fun of people.”

“That’s not true!!” Rin exclaims in an offended voice, but then glances away quickly. “Sort of. It’s _friendly_ teasing, okay? Friendly teasing!”

I laugh awkwardly, trying my best to smile. Since they’re so lively and aren’t asking me too many questions, I’m able to just listen for the majority of all this…

Rin leans on the counter next to the blue-haired person, and holds her hand out.

“This is Kaito! He works the counter with me sometimes.”

“Yup! Nice to meet you.” He smiles warmly, giving off a very air-headed, older-brother type vibe. I smile back with a hesitant wave. And then—Rin continues.

“Luka went into the kitchen, I think, since ve’s the designated cook ‘n all. Vir food is delicious, you know, the backbone of this café—”

“ _Rin_ ,” Miku holds a hand up, an apologetic smile on her face, and Rin stops after a moment. “Don’t overwhelm the customer. They look nervous.”

As soon as Miku says that, something heavy sways within my chest. But it isn’t bad.

_Those pronouns… She even used ‘they’ for me, a stranger. Could it be that she’s aware of people like me…?_

“Oh—oh, my bad. Whoops!” Rin laughs, rubbing the back of her head.

“See what I told you?” Meiko sighs, taking a seat at a table nearby, leaning back and her legs spread wide. “This kid’s a major chatterbox. She wouldn’t stop even if you told her to.”

“I wouldn’t if it were _you_ sayin’ so.” Rin sticks her tongue out at Meiko, and they share piercing glares with each other before Miku turns to me, smiling with a tilt of her head.

“Again, sorry about them…”

I shake my head, waving my hands back and forth. “Oh no, it’s fine! I don't mind at all.”

“Well, in any case, why don’t we get you something to eat? Um…” Miku trails off, unsure of what to say, and it hits me that she wishes to say my name.

“Len,” I offer, and she nods.

“Yes, Len, is there something you’d like to eat?”

“Ya’ _might_ need this, Miku~” Rin drawls while waving a menu around, and the teal’s face goes red for a single moment.

“Oh, wow! Yeah, that’s definitely important!” She laughs nervously. “Rin, could you—”

In a flash, Rin literally _hops_ over the counter and slides across the floor, all the way up to my chair, and kneels beside me, menu in hand.

“Here, Len, take a look—we’ve got all sorts of _amazing_ dishes you could try! Lemme help ya’ decide what to get, since there are just _so many_ to choose from…”

“Oh, uh—”

“We’ve got this absolutely mouth-watering French Napoleon dessert! Or maybe you’d be a fan of our soft and flaky brioche? Perhaps a sugary scone with orange rinds mixed in for flavor? Our fresh-outta’-the-oven banana muffins are also worth a taste!”

“Rin!!” Miku stops her, huffing. “That’s _my_ job!”

“Huhhh? But I’m the best at advertising, aren’t I?”

“It’s definitely one of her strong points~” Kaito comments from the back, and Miku throws him a pout. Meanwhile, my mind is spinning with all the different pastries and chatter going on…

“It’s okay, Miku, I’ll be Len’s _personal_ waiter.” Rin says with a childish grin, and I look at her, confused and also extremely shocked because _what_. Miku just stares at her for a good five seconds before—

“What?!”

“I call dibs!!”

“You can’t just call _dibs_ on customers, Rin!”

“I can now! They’re my client, after all!”

“They’re your customer, not your—”

“AND SO SHE ADMITS IT!”

I’m too busy being shocked by the usage of pronouns to even worry about the volume of Miku’s frustrated screech that follows Rin’s last retort—at least until Meiko slams her heel down on the floor, tossing her head back with a loud groan.

“Christ, will you two shut up? Now you’re the one freaking Len out, Miku!” She calls out in an irritated voice, and Miku looks to the side, pouting.

“Rin started it…” She says in a tiny voice, and a collective sigh is heard throughout the room.

“ _Aaanyways_ ,” Rin turns her attention back to me, placing the menu in my hands. “Here you go, Len; go ahead and pick somethin’. They’re all good, I promise.”

“It’s true,” Miku mumbles in a quiet voice, adjusting her bangs and still pouting. “Luka is a fantastic cook.”

“Whatever y’want, just leave it to vir.” Rin says with a reassuring grin, and I look at her, feeling just a bit lighter inside, because of that smile. I nod and look down at the menu, even though I already know what I want.

“I’d like…” I point to a spot on the page, and Rin leans over my shoulder. Miku looks, too. “This.”

“A banana muffin?” Miku says, and Rin claps her hands together.

“Ahh, great choice, Len!” She turns around and waves over at Kaito. “Hey, Kaito, will y—”

“MY JOB.” Miku cuts in, and zooms over to the counter. I allow myself to laugh, just a little. Rin looks at me, her sky blue eyes friendly and smiling with amusement.

“Man, it isn't usually this loud!" She lets out a unbounded laugh, leaning back. "We don’t get customers very often, y’see… Everyone’s a bit excited.”

Rin appears solemn when she says that, and my gaze softens, a smile finding its way onto my face.

“Well, I’m glad I stopped by. I didn’t even know this place was here at all.”

“Yeeeah, that’s part of the problem…” She sighs with a drop of her head. I feel a strange impulse to reach out and pat her shoulder, but I choose not to. “We don’t even _make_ enough to move elsewhere, so we’re just stuck here, waitin’. Not to mention how lonely it can get...”

It’s those words that reach me the most—on top of all the pronoun usage and general friendliness, this group of people are stuck out here in the middle of nowhere because they can’t leave… And yet, they’re here together, getting by. Rin said it was lonely, but even still, she’s got Miku and the others… And they all seem so kind…

An unusual mix of envy and admiration washes over me, and I look down, fiddling with my hands.

“After today, it’d be great if you came by again, Len. I’d love to talk with you some more, y’know?” Rin grins at me, nothing but honesty and openness behind that smile. And matched with those words, it’s almost… enough.

Watching her, something in my chest feels strange… I’m not used to this feeling of comfort, of such unbounded friendliness… When was the last time I felt so accepted, so safe?

I take a deep breath, gently, and exhale.

“…Yeah.” I smile. “I can do that.”


	2. (and retreat)

I had stayed at that café long enough to finish eating the muffin Miku brought me, (however eagerly she was; she insisted that Rin didn’t take over her job,) but by then, it was about time I had to get back to class. I barely made it in time, since I didn’t really take note of how I got there in the first place. Running in a straight line seemed to work well enough, though, thankfully…

But I’ve been thinking about them ever since. Rin, Miku, Kaito, Meiko, even Luka, although I didn’t get to talk to vir… If I go back though, maybe I could—

With a sudden jolt, I pause, right in front of the door to my apartment.

Go back?

I furrow my eyebrows, a strange uncertainty filling my chest. Could I really do that? I mean, I said I would come back, but…

The uncertainty slowly shifts into doubt, a deep and dark color painting any hope I previously had. Biting my lip, desperately trying not to let my hand shake, I reach for the doorknob in an attempt to steady myself. I know what Rin said, I _know_ , but even still…

“Oh, Len, you’re back.”

With a panicked gasp, I flip around, preparing myself to see a stranger but— it’s only my roommate, thank God…

“Neru,” I say, then sigh heavily, pressing my hand against my heart. “You scared me, jeez…”

“What were you standing around for?” She tilts her head, confused, and then reaches past me to unlock the door. “You spacing out again?”

“Somewhat,” I laugh evasively, and quickly change the subject. “Is Haku home?”

“She should be.” Neru responds without looking at me, and the door unlocks with a soft _click_. “She was there when I left.”

“Oh, well that’s good. Maybe I can cook something for all of us…”

“That’d sure be nice…”

We walk in together and drop our bags to the floor to untie our shoes, in unison. Inside, it’s much cooler, even if it’s only with the help of a couple electronic fans scattered throughout the small apartment. It’s not much, but it’s the only refuge I have. Truthfully, it’s not exactly _my_ home— it’s Neru and Haku’s. When I wanted to leave my previous home to make commuting to school easier, my only option was rooming with them. My father didn’t care enough to do anything else for me, so I guess this is just how it is… Neru didn’t mind, since she and Haku have known my family for ages. They were always distant, and I was really nervous at first, but things ended up being pretty okay, actually.

The humble apartment is two floors: a kitchen and living room on the first floor, and then two bedrooms and a bathroom on the second. For three people, it’s not an easy fit, but we manage. Neru is taking several part-time jobs right now to pay for the rent, and since I’m home more often than her, I take care of cooking and cleaning when I can. Haku has always had a hard time leaving the house, though, so she’s usually in her and Neru’s bedroom, sleeping. Even though she doesn’t do much else, I can tell she’s having a rough time, and Neru knows it better than anyone else. We never push her too hard.

Even if it’s hard to get by for all of us, we’re doing fine. And I’ve never been closer to anyone than Neru and Haku, despite the fact that it’s only been a couple years. In a way, I consider them my family. That’s what it feels like, anyhow.

“What should I make, I wonder…” I muse to myself quietly, as a soft smile makes its way onto my face when I open the refrigerator. We have some leftover rice and vegetables from the other day, so I could probably make stir-fry or something similar…

Then, from the next room over, I hear Neru groan loudly.

“Ugh, I just remembered, I have the night shift at the convenience store… God damn it.”

“Should I make something quick, then?” I call out, and she shouts back a disgruntled “yeah”. With a short sigh, I grab the apron hanging on the side of the counter and put it on. At that moment, Haku wanders into the small kitchen, appearing to be completely exhausted.

“Oh, Haku, hey…” I greet her, and she gives me a pained smile, scratching the side of her head.

“Good morning, Len… Are you going to make something?”

“It’s actually afternoon, but yes, I am.” I laugh gently and she rolls her eyes, takes a seat at the small table. "I was just about to start.”

“I’m hungry,” She mumbles into arms, draping herself on the table like a rag doll.

“It’ll be done soon, so don’t worry.” I pat her shoulder, and then clap my hands once. “Oh, don’t forget your meds.”

“Oh, that’s right…” She lifts her head with a yawn, then walks over to the medicine cabinet sluggishly. I draw a glass of water from the tap and place it at her spot on the table. She stares hard at the containers, a look of confused concentration on her face. “What day is it again…?”

“It’s Thursday,” I reply, pulling out the cutting board and knife. “I start summer break today, actually…”

“Huhhh… That’s good, isn’t it?”

“I guess so!” I smile at no one in particular, but it feels a little empty. Even if I have this break now, there’s not much for me to look forward to. I mean, I love Neru and Haku, but we’re always too busy to go somewhere together, or there’s never enough money to spare to visit any local sightseeing places, anyways. And without any additional friends, I’m usually stuck at home passing time by myself. (Not that playing video games is a bad thing, of course; it’s the only good thing that I got from my previous home, honestly...)

“Lucky you.” Neru huffs upon entering the kitchen, already in her uniform for the FamilyMart she works at. She leans against the counter, crossing her arms irritably. “I, on the other hand, take twice as many jobs during summer vacation. Which is fine and all, but damn, when am I gonna’ catch a break…”

I sigh, a little helplessly, and turn up the heat on the stove. While stirring the vegetables and rice around with chopsticks, I inhale the scent, and breathe out with a smile on my face. It smells good.

“Well, in the meantime, at least you can eat food like this, right?”

“That _does_ smell pretty good…” Neru leans over my shoulder, squinting at the pan. Haku makes a sound of agreement from behind us. “Thank God you can cook for us, Len…”

“Well, I _do_ enjoy cooking, so…”

“Even better, right?” Neru says, and leaves my back to sit down across from Haku. The rice and vegetables have browned considerably well, so I turn off the heat and open the cabinet on my left to grab some bowls.

“Right,” I answer as I push equal amounts of the stir-fry into our bowls, and grab some more pairs of chopsticks. “Alright, here you guys go!”

Haku and Neru’s faces visibly brighten when I place the bowls down in front of them, and just that reaction alone is more than enough. With a smile, I swiftly take a seat between them, and we all clap our hands together, in unison.

““Thanks for the food!””

* * *

The following day, I wake up sometime before noon, the sun already high in the sky. It takes me a few moments to actually open my eyes without blinding myself, but eventually I sit up in my small bed, drowsy. Mornings are usually slow like this, and since I wake up so early out of habit, I don’t have to worry about being late for anything. Well, even if it’s break now, waking up early is still no problem for me, it seems.

Straining my ears into the silence, past the trembling cries of the cicadas, I listen for any signs of life in the apartment. Haku’s probably still sleeping; she tends to sleep in on most days, anyways. And it’s pretty likely Neru’s already at one of her jobs...

Still feeling a bit groggy, I sway in my spot and scratch the back of my head. _Maybe I’ll play Splatoon or something_ , I think vaguely, squeezing my eyes shut against the sunlight.

With a huff, I hop out of bed and stretch my arms, bending to each side and rolling my back. My bed isn’t anything too special, so sometimes waking up can have me feeling kind of crappy, but it’s nothing a good stretch can’t fix. In a single practiced motion, I reach behind my head to pull my hair back with the hair tie on my wrist, forming a small ponytail. I’m already wearing a white elbow-length tee and some dark gray shorts, which is a pretty comfy combination to begin with, so I don’t even bother changing into something different. After all, I’ll probably just stay inside today…

I come to a halt at the top of the stairs, frowning slightly. I _keep_ remembering what I told Rin yesterday, but I can’t seem to fight the nervous feeling in my stomach. I don’t know what else to call it, but it’s definitely something like fear, or anxiety, maybe… I don’t feel ready to go back, even though it was fun. But the thought of being around people I don’t know well scares me. I’m not prepared; I want to run away already and I haven’t even stepped foot outside. The thoughts just pool into my mind, one after another— like, what if they don’t even want to see me, or what if I go in and no one’s there? What if there are other people there already, or—

 _I can’t do it_ , I decide helplessly, pain and exasperation crossing my face. Continuing down the stairs, I hang my head and close in on myself, shrinking. _If only we had exchanged contacts or something, I could tell her that I can’t make it, but…_

With a frustrated sigh, I shake my head and trudge slowly into the narrow living room, where the TV and WiiU are. In desperation, I try to forget about the bright smile she wore when she said how happy she’d be if I came again, but it won’t stop resurfacing, no matter how much I try to push it down. I press the power button on the WiiU maybe a little too hard, but once the console turns on and the home screen on the TV comes into view, I decide that thinking about it won’t help, (even if the guilt lies within me, persistent and heavy…)

 _I’ll visit soon_ , I promise to maybe Rin, maybe myself. Gripping the WiiU pad in my hands just a little tighter, I sit up straight, as if to solidify my resolution. _I’ll do it, just not today._

Anyways, it’s not like I said I would come right away, right…?

“I’m sorry, Rin,” I mumble under my breath. The anxiety settles lightly in my chest, but with my resolution, I feel a little better. Waiting like this will have to suffice for now, since I just can’t...

“I’ll come back soon...”


End file.
